This is me.
This is raw.
This is the smile that I don’t show in pictures.
I’ve been hurt a lot in the past week by both sides of my family.
I’ve NEVER invested in myself, and now I see the error in that.
I’m strong and fragile. Sometimes I’m more one than the other.
I’m only sad for a minute before it turns to anger.
I’ve had several friends here comfort me today & I love their kind hearts.
I lost four followers today after being open about my insecurities.
I don’t give the slightest of fucks that they’re gone.
I’m done throwing my energy away on people that don’t deserve it.
I have neglected myself.
I am empathetic, but I am more than what I can do for others.
I am talented.
I am creative.
I am intelligent.
I am not ugly.
If Morgan Freeman Read the Insane Delta Gamma Sorority Letter
I can’t stop laughing at this.
I don’t know why, can’t put my finger on it, but this could have been one of the plot segments in “Pulp Fiction.”
I’m late to the party, but I’m dying like all of you already did.
There it is.
INFJ: Visions of the future
ESTP: Superhuman strength
ESFP: Ability to freeze time
INFP: Literary manipulation
ESTJ: Power negation
ESFJ: Healing powers
ISFJ: Visions of the past
ENTP: Dimensional travel
ISTJ: Photographic memory
ENFP: Reality warping
ISFP: Shape shifting
ENTJ: Mind control
ENFJ: Empathic powers
Literary manipulation. Sounds legit.
Never thought this song would make it’s rounds through my heart again after escaping my ex-husband. I don’t even like the song, but the words hit the nail on the head. It feels like I’ll never get away from people that let me know I’m not pretty. I get it. I fucking get it.
My husband tells me I’m beautiful, but when I’m flat out told I’m not, it makes it hard for me to believe him. That in turn makes me insecure when he looks at me, it makes me want to hide from him so he won’t see something that changes his mind.
Fuck you for stealing that thimble full of confidence I was regaining. Fuck you for basically coming in my bedroom and getting between me & my husband. I’m ugly because I’m a fighter and you don’t bother yourself with shit like your appearance when you’re on the fucking battlefield. Fuck you for hurting me unnecessarily. You could have easily just said hello. And fuck you for putting this song back in my head. I hate this fucking song.
So, the funeral for Uncle Buford we went to on Saturday was enlightening. I’ve never been accepted by my in-laws, or most of the extended family, and I couldn’t figure out why. I’ve been extremely careful to watch my mouth and work my curtsey, but to no avail. My kids behave, I dress appropriately, offer to help with dishes, etc. Usually, I’m just ignored and thrown an occasional thin smile, but it’s never been more than just uncomfortable indifference.
I knew the fact I smoke cigarettes wasn’t a crowd favorite, though I’m not the only one who does.
I knew the fact that my closest friend at family reunions is the family’s black sheep. She’s a recovered drug addict (11 years clean), but she’s still not off the hook from the panel of judges, so I figured that didn’t win me any points.
All I could figure was that I was new. At first. But I’m over ten years into this now, and every day of it I have loved Beau with all my heart and been a good wife to him. So, you can understand why at this point I’m confused as to why I’m still treated like something unpleasant they stepped in.
Well, mystery solved.
When Beau & I first got together, he was roommates with his cousin. Though we never told him, he pieced together I was a stripper. I suppose I underestimated his intelligence based on the close proximity of his eyes and low, sloping forehead. When my MIL showed up at the club where I worked four years into our marriage, I could never figure out how she knew. I parked in a different parking lot, and had only gone back to it briefly due to an adjustable rate mortgage and a desire to keep our home. That’s when I thought the cat was out of the bag, never thinking that his cousin had told on me before they even met me. And, I believed she was so embarrassed by her son’s choice to “allow” me to do that for a living that she kept it to herself, not realizing everyone in the family already knew thanks to his cousin’s huge gummed mouth.
The family reunions are every two years, and we had not attended one in the last four. These last four are the years that have pretty much annihilated me & Beau trying to save our daughter. Stress, and now chronic illness, have taken their toll on my looks. I am no longer the little tanned blonde pixie I used to be just a few years ago. I’m a heavier, pale, dark-haired shadow with PTSD that jumps if someone slams a door. And that was pointed out to me. And it hurt.
These people, who have had no problem prying into our personal lives for stones to throw, somehow didn’t seem too interested in the events of what brought us to this place. They knew my daughter was assaulted, that she went insane and ran away, that she was a victim of human trafficking and was missing for six months. They knew I had a hysterectomy that was so botched it set in motion a chain of health issues and debilitating chronic pain that has almost destroyed me. Yes, they knew because my mother and father-in-law were told. They live half an hour away and never passed out one missing poster, nor ever called to ask if she’d been found, if we were ok or needed anything. When we did get her back, they never called to ask how she was or to even say they were glad she was alive. No, that was of no interest to them. They already had their ammo, and MY missing kid (since Beau is her stepfather), wasn’t something they could be bothered with.
So, this funeral worked out in their favor to be more than a funeral. It was a opportunity for them to let me know unequivocally, that they think I’m a drug addict, and that I’m only visible long enough to be told I’m ugly now. Literally.
Sure am glad I traveled 500 miles to hear that.
If I had a blog,
I would tell everyone what a caring person you are.
I would tell everyone that you are one hell of a mama and how you fight tooth and nail for your kids well being!
They would know the nights I held you crying when your child was missing.
How much you love your WHOLE family even though it is not given back most of the time.
They would see more pictures of your beautiful smile and deep hazel eyes.
If your soul was on the outside it would be brighter than 20 suns together.
They would know that I love you so much that I would take an asskickin a day for the rest of my life just to be with you.
If I had a blog I would let everyone know that your opinions and the truths about this family is just as valid and important as there’s are.
Everyone would know that I will protect my wife and her feelings.
I would let em all know you are braver and stronger than any of them could ever hope to be and I would go into battle with you anytime anywhere and they can all just bring it on!!!
Beau jennifer jack syd and the grand babies are signing off and movin out and none of you motherfuckers better mouth off to or cross my wife again.
IF I HAD A BLOG maybe everyone would hear me cause people are too dumb to talk face to face anymore.
They ought to call it unsociable media!
If I had a blog…
Beau Waters, If I Had A Blog
A message from my husband today, who is not a blogger, on what he would say to the world (and some family) if he was. I’m pretty much speechless, he never talks this way. Every time I think he can’t make me feel more loved…I feel indescribable.
jennipur, I agree completely. (Regarding the pictures of Mars above)
One of the oldest people in the world, a woman named Gertrude Weaver was born on the border of Texas and Arkansas in 1898, she grew up picking cotton because her parents were sharecroppers. I can only imagine what it must be like seeing what she’s seen.
At age five she lived through the invention of the airplane by the Wright Brothers.
Throughout her thirties and forties Gertrude would have watched as her rural communities got electricity for the first time.
She saw the world come to the brink of annihilation at the closing of World War I and then she saw man split the atom and in doing so nearly split the Earth at the closing of World War II.
She saw Turing break the enigma code and invent the path towards artificial intelligence.
At the age of 71 Gertrude watched as men walked on the Moon.
She’s seen us fling the Voyager spacecraft outside of the solar system and watched as robots landed on Mars, Titan and next year she’ll perhaps see us send the first robot to Pluto.
It’s hard for me to imagine how trippy life must feel to someone who, born under the white rule of sharecroppers to go from that sort of borderline peasant lifestyle, to watching all these incredible things happen. To someone like her I bet the world must seem quite remarkable.
People are on average, living to older and older ages and we were born much more recently than the time of sharecroppers. I’m so excited to see and learn what we discover:
“Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known." - Carl Sagan
Lovelovelove this reply. I’ve tried to imagine what that kind of change looks like to someone born so long ago. It must be a perpetual state of awe.
Jenny, Beau and the Pride. :)
Wow, this made me tear up.
The Highlight of the week: Birth by Maite Guerrero
"Water is pure. Water is oxygen. Mothers give birth in the water. The water soothes tears, while bringing joy. Water is pleasure, delight, emotion … holy water. There is nothing to equal the impact of water on us, the water gives us life. We are water." - with such short and strong description Spanish photographer Maite Guerrero, based in Barcelona, presented her one of the most beautiful and original projects, called "Birth". Water, as you probably already noticed that, is playing very important role here: it gives us life and creates thousands of elements in it everyday.
My Jenny and Beau…
Man, last night was badass.
I won’t go into detail as to why the three of us ended up at the bar but, let me just say… The relationship these two have is nothing short of incredible.
They had a rough day yesterday and the way they came together to squash it was crazy cool….
Thank you, sister. For these words, and for the fact that you saddled right up along with us like you always have when trouble hits. Of course we’ll always be just a call away for you. Like you said last night when I apologized for all the trouble, “Family first”.
And you are our family, in every sense of the word. Always.
Thank you for being willing to go to jail with us, especially in light of everything else you have going on. THAT is a solid example of selfless love. THAT is why you & I will grow old together. I love you so, so much.
For anyone reading, I’ll write out what happened last night soon. I just wanted to reblog this because Ali’s words about our marriage are precious to me. To have someone see us that way is just about the most meaningful compliment I can think of.
I love this
I love this too.